Reference: dosomething.org | The Stats
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So I'm sure you're wondering how self esteem statistics match up with a pet dragon. Give me a chance to translate my wondering thoughts...
I can't stand here and tell you I've always been a fearless girl. I was once completely and painfully aware of only my flaws. There are quite a few stories about the journey that got me to Fearlessly Flawed. They tell how I began using those flaws as a means for good rather then the artilary in a battle only I could understand, but maybe they can be told on another day.
At one point I ignored the mirror, I cried on shopping trips, I compared myself to everyone else. As if I were plastic figurine in a perfect porcelin doll house. surounded by perfection when all I had to offer was something a little more generic. I spent plenty of time pondering on the things I could never be, like my sister or even a friend that was close to me. They were them and I was I, but little too late did I realize.
To make the first connection, let me introduce my pet. She's a dragon and call her self esteem, selfie for short... I'm sure you see the irony. At first she scared me, It's hard facing dragons. They can distroy you at one breath, everything you thought you knew burnt to a crisp.
My dragon liked to breath hot air down my back, she haunted me of all the memories of things I could never be. The comments made, meant for no harm but non the less the still caused just that. Each time she would repeat them to me, the fire from her voice would burn me a little. Things like "Your sister has the looks, but you have the personality." a voice from my past would say to a little version of myself. The voice was a crush, and I began to understand the meaning of the term. What teenage girl wants personality?
Selfie began to convince me that eating would only do me harm, or better yet that starving myself was the punishment I deserved. I became familiar with the terms of that world "I just don't feel so well, that's all." I would resight as the ones around me questioned why I wouldn't eat. I became a master at the camofloug of the shakes, eating just enough to keep them away. All along I had myself fooled the most, I never believed that I had an eating disorder. I haven't always been a size six. When I struggled the most, I was closer to the 14-16 range. How could someone my size have an eating disorder, what I did was different. Obviously, because you couldn't see the results. At least not the ones I believed were required to have that disease. It wasn't always a punishment I became addicted to the hunger, the feeling of being smaller. For a moment I would believe I almost belonged in this Doll House.
At one point I searched for a Prince Charming to save me from my Dragon. Believing that the pleasent words and flattery would help me. I learned that was far from the truth, unfortunately I took the long way around on that journey. That's another tale for another story, back to my Dragon named Selfie...
I fell in love with a King, well The King to be exact. The one who created this girl who I believed I hated her very being. I did need rescued, just not from Prince Charming. My safety and security falls into the hands of my Savior. I stood in front of a mirror at the bottom of my low point. I had nothing but me, myself and God. I looked at this girl staring back at me, tears rolling down her red cheeks. Her eyes swollen from the crying that seemed to never stop. Her hair going all over the place, and her little round nose a little out of place. I could speak to you for hours of her flaws and mistakes...
I closed my eyes and I heard Him tell me to open my sight, what a weird way to say open my eyes. It wasn't till later I would realize just what that meant, to "open my sight." I looked that girl in the eyes and I promised that one day I would see her no more, I would see the girl that was full of The Lord, the one that He seen that I COULD be. I would see His destiny. Of course this didn't happen over night, but yet again thats a lot of stories for another time. My point to the matter is that I didn't need a prince, I needed The King.
To open my sight, let me tell you what that means. I can see beauty in the filthiest of things. I can see hope in the things long forgotten. I can see light where there is only darkness. I can see beauty where the world claims poverty. I can see God in the Godless, because he is eagerly waiting for their hearts to open. I opened my sight, so that He could fill it with His. That's what it meant when He told me to 'open my sight.'
We form what we think over what we see. So here's the second connection to why my Selfie is a pet to me. I walked through her fire, I felt the fear of her chase, not knowing if I would make it or become burnt out so to speak. I would do it again, each memory each heartache each shake. Why? you ask... I would do it for you! The girl reading my blog, the words hitting home. The girl who her bruises aren't seen but the words can still stink. The girl who smiles but you can always see, her eyes are wondering to who she should be. I would do it for you, the one who can't seem to accept that your size is just right and your beauty is so bright. If I can reach just one of you, then it would be all worth it. See, here's the thing... God tamed my dragon and He gave her to me. As a memory of my history as a weapon to help strengthen the weak. I don't hate my dragon anymore, who would I be if she wasn't my Selfie.
Do I struggle today with the battles of my yesterday, of course I do. No one tells you the outcome of the battle is never reaching your goal weight, its never waking up with a pleasent thought in your mind about how beautiful you are. It isn't told that it will haunt you every time you eat, becoming sick even if it's not sweets. No one tells you that it will still be a struggle not to fall into old habits at the mention of your tummy size. I struggled with this very thing over the past weekend.
I spent some time in prayer, asking God why I had to live with this even after I seen who I am and I love that crazy haired girl in the mirror. I came across a scripture the other day Proverbs 16:24 says, Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones. At first I believed this was for me to speak to the ones around me. Which I try to always do, this is why I felt it kinda repetitive that God would lead me to that scripture. I thought to myself, 'Okay dully noted... but don't I kinda already do this?' ... no reply. I did quite like it so even if it was only for the favor of the scripture I wouldn't complain with what I got.
I found myself praying these prayers, asking God if this dragon would always be there... Thats when he said "Speak pleasent words" so of course I go right back into the whole thing again, "But God, maybe I'm not expressing myself clear... will this always be here for me? If it's a yes then I'm prepared to accept that. I just want to know, instead of waking up every day with false hope..." And like a broken record I feel it again, Him leading me back to that same scripture.. 'Pleasant words are as a honeycomb.... health to they bones.'
I believed I understood, maybe this was like Job... once he began to help his friends that when he became blessed again. Then it was a quickening in my soul, all over again He informed me "No, Speak to yourself." All in once I realized what I had been missing. How can I speak pleasant words into the world around me, giving it new life... If I had not done the same to myself. I had accepted that this was my punishment, willingly as long as I could help the ones who seemed the same. Little did I think about the credit of the one who was speaking, would you take advice from someone who seemed to still be struggling?
So I'm challenging you to a recovery, only I'm starting on the last step... which oddly enough happens to be my first suggestion to you. Speak pleasent words to yourself. Post sticky notes! Fill a box with happy thoughts, things you've heard, things you like about yourself. Compliment, not only the ones around you (because that's equally important to your recovery) but speak them to yourself. Look that gorgeous girl in the mirror, and fill her soul with the sweetness of an honeycomb. Give her bones the health they deserve.
Yes God tamed my dragon, she became my pet... But he also reminded me that I deserve to be free too. In order to be fearless you can't be worried about the memories of your history coming back to haunt you. Let them go, become Fearlessly Flawed.
P.S. For the record, if you struggle with some of the things I've talked about. Starving yourself will never get you to the size you want to be. I used to desire a size 6, now I'm there and I still find myself in disbelief. It's a sight thing, so open yours up! Allow God to show you His Glory. You don't need to face this alone, tell someone you trust. There are people who care for you and it's probably hurting them too. If you prefer to keep it from your personal life, shoot me an email I'll help you fight!
I can't stand here and tell you I've always been a fearless girl. I was once completely and painfully aware of only my flaws. There are quite a few stories about the journey that got me to Fearlessly Flawed. They tell how I began using those flaws as a means for good rather then the artilary in a battle only I could understand, but maybe they can be told on another day.
At one point I ignored the mirror, I cried on shopping trips, I compared myself to everyone else. As if I were plastic figurine in a perfect porcelin doll house. surounded by perfection when all I had to offer was something a little more generic. I spent plenty of time pondering on the things I could never be, like my sister or even a friend that was close to me. They were them and I was I, but little too late did I realize.
To make the first connection, let me introduce my pet. She's a dragon and call her self esteem, selfie for short... I'm sure you see the irony. At first she scared me, It's hard facing dragons. They can distroy you at one breath, everything you thought you knew burnt to a crisp.
My dragon liked to breath hot air down my back, she haunted me of all the memories of things I could never be. The comments made, meant for no harm but non the less the still caused just that. Each time she would repeat them to me, the fire from her voice would burn me a little. Things like "Your sister has the looks, but you have the personality." a voice from my past would say to a little version of myself. The voice was a crush, and I began to understand the meaning of the term. What teenage girl wants personality?
Selfie began to convince me that eating would only do me harm, or better yet that starving myself was the punishment I deserved. I became familiar with the terms of that world "I just don't feel so well, that's all." I would resight as the ones around me questioned why I wouldn't eat. I became a master at the camofloug of the shakes, eating just enough to keep them away. All along I had myself fooled the most, I never believed that I had an eating disorder. I haven't always been a size six. When I struggled the most, I was closer to the 14-16 range. How could someone my size have an eating disorder, what I did was different. Obviously, because you couldn't see the results. At least not the ones I believed were required to have that disease. It wasn't always a punishment I became addicted to the hunger, the feeling of being smaller. For a moment I would believe I almost belonged in this Doll House.
At one point I searched for a Prince Charming to save me from my Dragon. Believing that the pleasent words and flattery would help me. I learned that was far from the truth, unfortunately I took the long way around on that journey. That's another tale for another story, back to my Dragon named Selfie...
I fell in love with a King, well The King to be exact. The one who created this girl who I believed I hated her very being. I did need rescued, just not from Prince Charming. My safety and security falls into the hands of my Savior. I stood in front of a mirror at the bottom of my low point. I had nothing but me, myself and God. I looked at this girl staring back at me, tears rolling down her red cheeks. Her eyes swollen from the crying that seemed to never stop. Her hair going all over the place, and her little round nose a little out of place. I could speak to you for hours of her flaws and mistakes...
I closed my eyes and I heard Him tell me to open my sight, what a weird way to say open my eyes. It wasn't till later I would realize just what that meant, to "open my sight." I looked that girl in the eyes and I promised that one day I would see her no more, I would see the girl that was full of The Lord, the one that He seen that I COULD be. I would see His destiny. Of course this didn't happen over night, but yet again thats a lot of stories for another time. My point to the matter is that I didn't need a prince, I needed The King.
To open my sight, let me tell you what that means. I can see beauty in the filthiest of things. I can see hope in the things long forgotten. I can see light where there is only darkness. I can see beauty where the world claims poverty. I can see God in the Godless, because he is eagerly waiting for their hearts to open. I opened my sight, so that He could fill it with His. That's what it meant when He told me to 'open my sight.'
We form what we think over what we see. So here's the second connection to why my Selfie is a pet to me. I walked through her fire, I felt the fear of her chase, not knowing if I would make it or become burnt out so to speak. I would do it again, each memory each heartache each shake. Why? you ask... I would do it for you! The girl reading my blog, the words hitting home. The girl who her bruises aren't seen but the words can still stink. The girl who smiles but you can always see, her eyes are wondering to who she should be. I would do it for you, the one who can't seem to accept that your size is just right and your beauty is so bright. If I can reach just one of you, then it would be all worth it. See, here's the thing... God tamed my dragon and He gave her to me. As a memory of my history as a weapon to help strengthen the weak. I don't hate my dragon anymore, who would I be if she wasn't my Selfie.
Do I struggle today with the battles of my yesterday, of course I do. No one tells you the outcome of the battle is never reaching your goal weight, its never waking up with a pleasent thought in your mind about how beautiful you are. It isn't told that it will haunt you every time you eat, becoming sick even if it's not sweets. No one tells you that it will still be a struggle not to fall into old habits at the mention of your tummy size. I struggled with this very thing over the past weekend.
I spent some time in prayer, asking God why I had to live with this even after I seen who I am and I love that crazy haired girl in the mirror. I came across a scripture the other day Proverbs 16:24 says, Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones. At first I believed this was for me to speak to the ones around me. Which I try to always do, this is why I felt it kinda repetitive that God would lead me to that scripture. I thought to myself, 'Okay dully noted... but don't I kinda already do this?' ... no reply. I did quite like it so even if it was only for the favor of the scripture I wouldn't complain with what I got.
I found myself praying these prayers, asking God if this dragon would always be there... Thats when he said "Speak pleasent words" so of course I go right back into the whole thing again, "But God, maybe I'm not expressing myself clear... will this always be here for me? If it's a yes then I'm prepared to accept that. I just want to know, instead of waking up every day with false hope..." And like a broken record I feel it again, Him leading me back to that same scripture.. 'Pleasant words are as a honeycomb.... health to they bones.'
I believed I understood, maybe this was like Job... once he began to help his friends that when he became blessed again. Then it was a quickening in my soul, all over again He informed me "No, Speak to yourself." All in once I realized what I had been missing. How can I speak pleasant words into the world around me, giving it new life... If I had not done the same to myself. I had accepted that this was my punishment, willingly as long as I could help the ones who seemed the same. Little did I think about the credit of the one who was speaking, would you take advice from someone who seemed to still be struggling?
So I'm challenging you to a recovery, only I'm starting on the last step... which oddly enough happens to be my first suggestion to you. Speak pleasent words to yourself. Post sticky notes! Fill a box with happy thoughts, things you've heard, things you like about yourself. Compliment, not only the ones around you (because that's equally important to your recovery) but speak them to yourself. Look that gorgeous girl in the mirror, and fill her soul with the sweetness of an honeycomb. Give her bones the health they deserve.
Yes God tamed my dragon, she became my pet... But he also reminded me that I deserve to be free too. In order to be fearless you can't be worried about the memories of your history coming back to haunt you. Let them go, become Fearlessly Flawed.
P.S. For the record, if you struggle with some of the things I've talked about. Starving yourself will never get you to the size you want to be. I used to desire a size 6, now I'm there and I still find myself in disbelief. It's a sight thing, so open yours up! Allow God to show you His Glory. You don't need to face this alone, tell someone you trust. There are people who care for you and it's probably hurting them too. If you prefer to keep it from your personal life, shoot me an email I'll help you fight!