So it's time to be honest.
I struggled with images in general. I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep over the reflection in the mirror that always seemed to fall a little short. I took matters into my own hands forcing myself to not eat for days at a time. This action wasn't even in a desire to change the image but a punishment for the substance of who I was in general. Shy, awkward, ugly, fat, annoying, not smart enough, not good enough the list could go on.
My life wasn't horrible, no one at home was Ever telling me these things for them to be on repeat inside my mind. They were simply a little girls personal struggle. My home was quite opposite actually, I had a family who loved and encouraged each weird outfit I chose or decision I made.
The battle continued for years. Many friendships effected by the desire within myself to replicate their unique personality traits in the attempt to cover up my own that I didn't feel were quite good enough.
I would preach from the mountain top that we should all feel beautiful. Taking each opportunity to compliment and uplift the ones around me. All while fighting my own battle on that exact subject! I believed that the false confidence I relayed would in some way heal the wounds I had gained in my battles.
A year ago the mask cracked and my low self worth was a huge factor in some choices made that led me into the most bitter sweet moments I have ever gone through to this point in life.
The result of my actions were shame, guilt, darkness and pure weakness. That was the bitter. The sweet was the solitude with God, the love I gained and bond that was built because I had officially hit the bottom of the valley and in Him alone would I be able to see the mountain top again.
Along with the spiritual transformation came a physical as well. I had been faces many health issues and decided to take the natural diet rout instead of medication. I changed a lot of my daily routine, and eating habits. I changed drastically.
With the help of a diet pill, and my change in life style It felt like over night I had said goodbye to my old body and hello to a new me. A genuinely confident me. I was on top of the world. In a great spiritual place, physically fit, and happy for the first time in as long as I could remember I didn't need to fake my confidence nor did I mimic the people around me. I was simply Jenna.
Slowly the buzz faded and the same thoughts crept back into my mind. I had gone from a size 14 to a size 4 in less than 6 months. Though when looking in the mirror I still seen ever flaw, every roll, every muffin top. I remember at one point I had gone to the dentist and as according to the treatment we were discussing medicine doses and he referred to me as a "light weight" and as "tiny" as I was a whole pill would knock me out cold.
As I had mentioned before I struggled with eating, or the lack there of. It was a punishment to myself. I learned the ways to distract from attention when eating with people, I learned the tricks of just enough crackers to keep your hands from shaking. Some points I didn't feel like I deserved to eat, others I felt I was so huge that people would make fun of me if they seen me eating.
Here's the honest part, it was an addiction. The feeling that comes with hunger. To never have struggled with this it might be hard to understand. I am ashamed of that confession. I've seen hunger when it's inevitable. I've stood in a tent city in haiti as a mother of many hungry children begs you for food when you have none to give. For me to make the choice willingly to not eat what I've been given because I loved the feeling it gave me. The way it made me feel in control when my thoughts ruled my mind. The way it seemed to shrink my stomach just enough to be happy for a little while. For that I am sorry to any and everyone whom of which had no choice in that feeling.
I've had struggles in many areas of life, the thought that helps me get past them is to know I would go through all the pain again just if I can help one person in that situation. To see a girl who might be struggling with an eating disorder and tell her it's not worth it. Encourage her to love who she is and the image God made her to be.
It might be the emotions of this weekend. Being Easter. A day that is meant to remind us of the miracle of Jesus raising from the grave. His sacrifice for our lives the pain he endured. Yet (and I am guilty of the same) we find our selfs obsessing over having the perfect outfit. Being skinny. Or maybe tan... I over heard a few of our youth girls talking today. The typical "you look nice!" "I like your outfit" until one uttered the words "I look ugly" in struck my spirit with anger. Then God said, remember last night? When you stood in front of the mirror and tried to convince yourself you were pretty as the size 10/12 you just as much as the size 4 you were last summer....
So today I stopped holding back my hurt and pain and second guessing myself. I let go of the thoughts of others who may be judging me. Or looking to me as less because I "let myself go"
This is the natural me. This is the size I am when I eat every day, when I'm not taking dieting pills. Yes I could visit the gym more regularly and eat a few less cookies. But this is the Jenna that enjoys life in its fullest even if that means I am a little fuller then the previous me.
I haven't said all of this to just bring light to my own struggles.
I was talking to God and He asked me what I was going to do with my newly found revaluation. Obviously the first thought was finally sort out all the clothes that don't fit from my closet. Then I realized He wasn't referring to my own life.
We have plenty of people we look to for fashion, for diet advice, or simply to be a role model that are as skinny as a light pole. I am fully aware that everyone struggles with self image and no one is perfect. This isn't a fairy tale. And I'm not belittling the girls who are skinny. This isn't about a size or a weight thing, it's about a self image struggle. Being happy with the person that you are.
So for all the girls that looking in the mirror and convincing yourself that you are beautiful, or faking it till you making it is a way to live life. My names Jenna Garner, I've been a size 14, I've been a size 4, and I'm a size 10. I've spent days without eating and struggling with thoughts that seem to constantly beat my mind up. God gave me fresh eyes, to see His creation and the glory within it. With His help, I'm standing up for you. Im telling you that you can see the same beauty in yourself.
I'm willing to lay it all out here for you, completely exposed. No more fake confidence hoping it passes for the real thing. All of this in hopes that you can stand in your own battle knowing I'm standing with you!
XOXO,
Jennavive
I struggled with images in general. I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep over the reflection in the mirror that always seemed to fall a little short. I took matters into my own hands forcing myself to not eat for days at a time. This action wasn't even in a desire to change the image but a punishment for the substance of who I was in general. Shy, awkward, ugly, fat, annoying, not smart enough, not good enough the list could go on.
My life wasn't horrible, no one at home was Ever telling me these things for them to be on repeat inside my mind. They were simply a little girls personal struggle. My home was quite opposite actually, I had a family who loved and encouraged each weird outfit I chose or decision I made.
The battle continued for years. Many friendships effected by the desire within myself to replicate their unique personality traits in the attempt to cover up my own that I didn't feel were quite good enough.
I would preach from the mountain top that we should all feel beautiful. Taking each opportunity to compliment and uplift the ones around me. All while fighting my own battle on that exact subject! I believed that the false confidence I relayed would in some way heal the wounds I had gained in my battles.
A year ago the mask cracked and my low self worth was a huge factor in some choices made that led me into the most bitter sweet moments I have ever gone through to this point in life.
The result of my actions were shame, guilt, darkness and pure weakness. That was the bitter. The sweet was the solitude with God, the love I gained and bond that was built because I had officially hit the bottom of the valley and in Him alone would I be able to see the mountain top again.
Along with the spiritual transformation came a physical as well. I had been faces many health issues and decided to take the natural diet rout instead of medication. I changed a lot of my daily routine, and eating habits. I changed drastically.
With the help of a diet pill, and my change in life style It felt like over night I had said goodbye to my old body and hello to a new me. A genuinely confident me. I was on top of the world. In a great spiritual place, physically fit, and happy for the first time in as long as I could remember I didn't need to fake my confidence nor did I mimic the people around me. I was simply Jenna.
Slowly the buzz faded and the same thoughts crept back into my mind. I had gone from a size 14 to a size 4 in less than 6 months. Though when looking in the mirror I still seen ever flaw, every roll, every muffin top. I remember at one point I had gone to the dentist and as according to the treatment we were discussing medicine doses and he referred to me as a "light weight" and as "tiny" as I was a whole pill would knock me out cold.
As I had mentioned before I struggled with eating, or the lack there of. It was a punishment to myself. I learned the ways to distract from attention when eating with people, I learned the tricks of just enough crackers to keep your hands from shaking. Some points I didn't feel like I deserved to eat, others I felt I was so huge that people would make fun of me if they seen me eating.
Here's the honest part, it was an addiction. The feeling that comes with hunger. To never have struggled with this it might be hard to understand. I am ashamed of that confession. I've seen hunger when it's inevitable. I've stood in a tent city in haiti as a mother of many hungry children begs you for food when you have none to give. For me to make the choice willingly to not eat what I've been given because I loved the feeling it gave me. The way it made me feel in control when my thoughts ruled my mind. The way it seemed to shrink my stomach just enough to be happy for a little while. For that I am sorry to any and everyone whom of which had no choice in that feeling.
I've had struggles in many areas of life, the thought that helps me get past them is to know I would go through all the pain again just if I can help one person in that situation. To see a girl who might be struggling with an eating disorder and tell her it's not worth it. Encourage her to love who she is and the image God made her to be.
It might be the emotions of this weekend. Being Easter. A day that is meant to remind us of the miracle of Jesus raising from the grave. His sacrifice for our lives the pain he endured. Yet (and I am guilty of the same) we find our selfs obsessing over having the perfect outfit. Being skinny. Or maybe tan... I over heard a few of our youth girls talking today. The typical "you look nice!" "I like your outfit" until one uttered the words "I look ugly" in struck my spirit with anger. Then God said, remember last night? When you stood in front of the mirror and tried to convince yourself you were pretty as the size 10/12 you just as much as the size 4 you were last summer....
So today I stopped holding back my hurt and pain and second guessing myself. I let go of the thoughts of others who may be judging me. Or looking to me as less because I "let myself go"
This is the natural me. This is the size I am when I eat every day, when I'm not taking dieting pills. Yes I could visit the gym more regularly and eat a few less cookies. But this is the Jenna that enjoys life in its fullest even if that means I am a little fuller then the previous me.
I haven't said all of this to just bring light to my own struggles.
I was talking to God and He asked me what I was going to do with my newly found revaluation. Obviously the first thought was finally sort out all the clothes that don't fit from my closet. Then I realized He wasn't referring to my own life.
We have plenty of people we look to for fashion, for diet advice, or simply to be a role model that are as skinny as a light pole. I am fully aware that everyone struggles with self image and no one is perfect. This isn't a fairy tale. And I'm not belittling the girls who are skinny. This isn't about a size or a weight thing, it's about a self image struggle. Being happy with the person that you are.
So for all the girls that looking in the mirror and convincing yourself that you are beautiful, or faking it till you making it is a way to live life. My names Jenna Garner, I've been a size 14, I've been a size 4, and I'm a size 10. I've spent days without eating and struggling with thoughts that seem to constantly beat my mind up. God gave me fresh eyes, to see His creation and the glory within it. With His help, I'm standing up for you. Im telling you that you can see the same beauty in yourself.
I'm willing to lay it all out here for you, completely exposed. No more fake confidence hoping it passes for the real thing. All of this in hopes that you can stand in your own battle knowing I'm standing with you!
XOXO,
Jennavive